“As much as you can in your life, say YES.” Mary Carillo

A friend texted me to get together for coffee this morning.  I read the message and instantly cringed and said ‘no’ out loud. Not today, I thought. I replied to her that today didn’t work, but Wednesday would be a good day. Yes, Wednesday. We could go snowshoeing. Yes, this is a great idea…everything will be better on Wednesday…until Wednesday rolls around and I will still not want to go.

Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing my friends and when I’m with them they make me happy. But something has changed lately with my ability/desire to put myself out there.

I consider this behaviour to be my latest developing symptom/side effect of Parkinson’s Disease. I’m not really sure what to call it; but I know that it is real and it is progressing just like my other PD symptoms.

Let’s call it withdrawal.

More and more I find myself wanting to withdraw from social situations, events, and commitments. This is an unusual mindset for me as I used to enjoy having a schedule filled with gatherings both large and small. However, this past holiday season, I found myself opting to stay in more often. Refusing rather than accepting invitations became the norm.

And my reasons for withdrawal are not so easily defined. Perhaps there is a neurological connection or a dopamine issue that contributes to withdrawal in people with Parkinson’s but I will leave that discussion to the medical professionals.

I believe this is a ‘me-thing.’ Therefore I have to look inward to get at the root of my withdrawal.  

Have I become increasingly aware of people watching me?

Am I concerned that people think I’ve had too much to drink because of changes to my gait and my speech?

Am I stressed at trying not to shake, not to slur my words, not to lose my balance, not to appear stiff, and to purposefully make my face smile?

Is it becoming increasingly difficult to pretend that I’m ok?

Yes.

Withdrawing and staying home is so much less complicated and significantly more comfortable than going out.

If withdrawal is a side effect of Parkinson’s Disease, then I need to treat it as such. There are so many things that I do to manage my physical symptoms and if I fail to treat any of my symptoms, I don’t feel well.

Likewise, if I fail to address this withdrawal, I won’t feel well either. Abandoning my social activities could lead to loneliness, isolation, and depression. These are also very common side-effects of Parkinson’s disease that I do not wish to experience.

What can I do to treat withdrawal?

Go snowshoeing on Wednesday!

**Update: I went snowshoeing on Wednesday and it was wonderful!